my random thoughts

I cant think right now my mind is all over the place. I guess I am just bored and there’s noting better to do then just write every single thought that is going through my mind right now maybe after I get it all out I will be able to sleep and not have a night filled with racing thoughts.
Lets see I am thinking about my mom and how much I miss her I can still here her laugh and the way she use to baby talk. I am thinking about my dad and wondering how he is doing and wishing that I could write as good as he does. I am thinking about my kids and how much I would love to see them, but with no way to do so. I am thinking of Avery and how lucky I am to have such an understanding guy who loves me with no limits. I am thinking about how wonderful his family is and how lucky I am to have them and I am also thinking about my aunt and how she may be doing, I really should call her more often then I do. I really should call my dad to I bet he is wondering how I am doing. Well I am all thought out but if any more random thoughts come to mind I will be back with more to talk about. Now hopefully I can sleep. Good night all have a good night and a very good week.
Sincerely Billie atterberry
3/27/2009

swept away

To my feet I rose to see you as you passed me byI would lurk in the cornersto hear your sweet voiceI was entranced by the softness of your expressionMy heart just had no choicebut each day i would say helloshylythen walk on bymy soul eventually cried outI wanted to have you for my ownto taste those beautiful lipsseemed I had forever been alonemy will one day pushed me forwardyet I was afraid of a nobut when I asked if you'd like a datemy heart rushed to my throatwhen you saidsure I'll goafter 25 years I still hold youand look into your dark alluring eyespinch myself to make sure it's not a dreamas we still touch each others bodies and tantalizefor each day I awake and caress youI fall deeper stillfor I was swept away by you my loveyou are my greatest thrill
Tom Atterberry4-7-02

my dear friend by my dad

Whispers in the wind, the voice of an old friendthe cradle of a distant memoryin the warm and pleasant sun, those dreams begin to runback to the times of you and meOceans apart could not hide our heartsI can almost still feel you herebut like a flutter in the air, your love I will always shareand there are days I can still feel you nearand when the wall of sadness calls my namejust the thought of you lifts my spirits highfor I just know you are up there watchingthrough a soft and peaceful skySo I will endure these dusty roadsuntil I reach my earthly endI will be comforted by your remembranceUntil we meet againmy dear friend.Tom Atterberry2-19-02

lifes many faces

Moon melting orange in the skyacross the purple and blue tinged huescarlet sorrow entwinedinside of youseagulls call in the distanceI lie here in the early morning sunwatching the crabs scamper to their hide awayI look back to the past, and feel the memories runlike a child at play in a field of greenthrough the vast valley floormy heart still like an eaglebut it can soar no moreI feel the spirit of the grizzlybut I may flounder just as wellfor I am in a state of shockit's duration I cannot tellas the fiery ball of lightsets again for another daybetween the Hills of experienceI wave the blues awayI bless the love and kindnessand swallow the pain as wholeI will survive the high crashing riftsbut it will not impede upon my goal.Tom Atterberry3-2-02

my dads poem

Time is running away like a wild stallionbut this old goat, just does his thingyounger bucks make comments todaybut they to will setime just flies awaylooking back I didn't sow many wild oatsso there's not to many weeds to pullyes sometimes i get lonelymaybe my life is someway dullsometimes people call me on the phoneusually if they need a handbut when it's cold and I'm alonethey just don't seem to understandso like the mighty oak treeI bear the scars of seasons pastbut it to shows it's age in timeme with wrinkles, and itwhen it's bark is castlike the snow you see in winterso to does it color my hairlacking in spots, some call distinctionI just say it's all baremy heart dances with springtimethough my body talks of fallmany sorrows and memoriesand I have survived them all.Tom Atterberry3-15-02

my dads short story that he wrote

A short but sweet encounter on a California beach in 1956, was special to Gina and Tommy but they did not realize at the time. They went about their lives and even though they were unaware that they had met for a reason, a small piece of their hearts ached for years to come. Neither one could find what this missing piece was. Tommy went on to become a sheriff in a small town, in Oklahoma where he had moved in 1961 after finishing his tenure ay Oklahoma University. He turned down a football career for the simple but hard life of a farmer. He was at a party gone bad in the country near his home, and when the arrests were made, he found one had put a slug in his side. He was so busy dealing with the scene that he didn't feel the injury till later. He was sent to a major Hospital in Oklahoma City, where he had surgery and was to recuperate. He had a hard time trying to just be there, he hated being confined. On the third day standing at the window looking out, with his IV bottle and all attached He was leaning out the third floor looking down bare ass showing. A hmm hmm from a soft voice said 'and what do you think you are doing' when he turned around he almost fainted from the person he saw in front of him it was Gina, she had become a nurse. She was equally in awe, but still used her abilities to get Tommy back in bed. They talked of where each had been, and what they had done. The head nurse walked in and said I hate to break up your reunion, but I need some blood for some tests, Tommy said then don't interrupt us, you can get the blood later it ain't going nowhere. Gina had been married but she had divorced because he became a drunk and beat her all the time, yet she said he still tries to come around and rein havoc from time to time. A few days later before Tommy's discharge, they exchanged phone numbers and address. But fate still was not to be kind, it was several months before they would communicate again. {2} Tommy was into an investigation over a murder homicide that was down near the county seat, and Gina was dealing with classes and mid terms as she was going for her RN. a couple of letters filtered down to Tommy, and then they just stopped he sent several more, and tried to call but there was never an answer. He began to get curious as well as worry, one weekend he finally got a day off and drove to Oklahoma City to see if he could locate her. After checking at the address on the letters he could see that her mail box was stuffed with past dated mail, he asked neighbors they told him she was in the hospital, her ex-husband had beat her pretty bad. He drove to her job and asked what room she was in, and rushed to her side. She was in a coma, he fell to his knees never before a tear now they came like the rain. He made contact with local officials they had not located him yet. He went back to Gina's bedside held her hand for hours, kissing her cheek and hand and praying for her recovery. I don't know if you can hear me, but I pray God will let you come out of this...I love you Gina through tear stained eyes and a sorrowful heart he pledged. And to him self he decided that he would find this sick Bastard as well, they better hope I don't find him first. Everyday for the next six months Tommy would put in his day, drive to Gina hold her hand till wee hours of the morning then drive back home about a 100 mile round trip. Also during this time He met her parents and they began talking a lot of her and how they met so long ago. Gina's Father Enrico had to get back to work so he left and Her mother took up room at Tommy's mothers house for the mean time. As time went by Maria Gina's mother became very close to Tommy and his mother Linda. On days off Tommy spent all his time searching for clues and back tracking Gina's X. then back to the hospital to see her, eventually they wanted to release her to an old age home, but Tommy said no way she will live with us. The two mothers became her care givers, Gina's Father traveling back and forth as he could. {3} One evening Tommy was tired and feeling down he stopped into a local tavern, he began shooting pool and just general talk with some of his friends who felt a bit left out since all this started. They told him he needed to give up on this venture and start living his life again. He told them he understood their feelings, but if they were really his friends they would hang with him through this. He got quite drunk, for the first time since he celebrated his 21st, he started crying deeply at the side of the bank near his house where he stared at the moon and stars and asked God to please help Gina, and let this miserable man be found. He started his day by kissing her lips, and each night he would kneel at her bedside take her hand and pray again. One December morning, he walked out to the back gate to get hay for the horses and his mother started screaming frantically to him. Tommy, Tommy please hurry come now. He thought the worse and ran to the house, as he arrived he saw what they saw her eyes had movement and her toes wiggled. He called the hospital, sobbing with happiness. They said get her in here we will try to give her some therapy to see what kind of response there is, but do not build up you hope to far. He took her in and Physical Therapy began. The doctors were not very elated, but Tommy felt faith would not be daunted and he would continue his vigil. A sheriff called him the following day, to assist on a road block of a suspected killer at large. He drove up to the location and brought the dogs for foot patrol of the surrounding woods. Seemed some guy had robbed a local diner and killed the lady cashier, cause she didn't put the money in a bag fast enough. And to add more sorrow to that, she was seven months pregnant and was trying to raise a little boy too. There was a thirty square mile area sectioned off, and for almost two weeks Tommy was away from His Gina, but he always called routinely. Finally one day just about sunrise, they were going to call off the hunt when there in the thicket by Murphy's pasture he heard a noise, he quietly made his way to the area. He called the others before he started to investigate, it could be anything. Just as he approached the clearing he heard a shot then felt a pain to his right shoulder. He fell to the ground, he looked and saw the blood. About that time another officer was hit as well but he was not so lucky. Tommy got to his car and called it in, then ran up to Murphy's house and borrowed a horse. There was no way he could drive or catch him on foot in his condition. Finally near Perlita Creek he had him cornered, and the other officers were coming at the killer from the rear. But rather than give up, he rushed toward Tommy blindly shooting, Tommy told him to drop his gun and just lie down but it was no use. So as he got closer Tommy fired and hit him in the leg, he approached the guy and kicked away his pistol, and as he tried to raise him up he came at Tommy with a hunting knife. After a missing swipe of the blade Tommy realized upon looking closely that this was Gina's X, here before him. Tears rolled down his face, a hatred filled his heart. But he held onto his sense of direction, the other officers arrived and while they were trying to cuff him he grabbed one of their guns from it's holster. Tommy thought quickly and shot, he was probably dead before he hit the ground. Tommy hit him right between the eyes. After Tommy went to the local clinic to get patched up, and cleaned up at home he called home to check on Gina, he did not tell them his troubles for it was so trivial compared to His Loves. {4} Tommy was given some well earned time off, of which he spent most of the time with Gina. He began occupying some of his time writing love sonnets, something he had not done since his hap hazard days at High school. He started building a log cabin near the mouth of Patterson Creek, in the lower ten acres of his farm. He felt this would be a house for him and Gina, it kept his faith strong. It never once entered his mind that what if she died, or never came out of the coma. He had many local gals after him, but soon they thought he was insane some also wished they had a man with such dedication. Tommy had been to a local football game, just for a change of pace when he got a call on his two way. Gina was out of her coma, he drove frantically all the way there. Very weak, and looking around she said only mumbles. But after four years she had awakened. It took another three years of extensive therapy, and Tommy had worked a lot of hours and sold off most of his old farm down the road to keep up the vigil. Friends donated money and sold other things to help. Gina's father cashed in savings bonds and his life insurance, and years of prayers were offered and it finally all paid off. In 1969, eight years after the beginning of this Tommy and Gina were married. Down by the creek where Tommy had built their new home, there were thousands of people there from all over, amidst the blooming meadow flowers. On their thirtieth wedding anniversary, he set with her on the same beach where they first chanced to meet, he said what if you would have said no after all that time I waited? What if you didn't love me? Gina said who couldn't love you, and who would be such a fool. So many years ago, a few moments on this beach that became a lifetime. What no one knew. Tom Atterberry 4-19-02

quick note

well i was in an accident the other day and well i was hurt pretty bad and now i have to be on pain killers and muscle relaxers. but at least i wont feel any pain right.

sometimes

Do you ever wonder why we cry
A single tear at times
Or how we patiently wait
For the right moment to prey
Sometimes I wonder
what lifes about
Or how this world
Truly came about

enlightenment spell

Enlightenment Spell And Ritual
This spell requires two blue candles and one candle to portray yourself, and sandalwood oil. Anoint candles with the oil and visualize yourself being translike state. place blue candles on either side of the chosen candle, light the blue candles and say unto thyself: -Spirit guides/ higher self hear my plea -Come now and converse with me -Walk me and guide me through this veil trance, I ask of you
Now sit in a comfortable position and become aware of your breathing patterns. Inhale deeply, exhale deeply, listen to rhythmic body and breathing motions. become relaxed and close your eyes. Focus on your third eye and visualize red, orange, yellow, green, blue, blue, indigo, purple, and white in order. Hold each color for a count of five. Watch as it fades into each color, still focusing on third eye. Watch your breath and see your chest rise and fall with with air (eyes still closed) and watch your breath as it as it changes into waves. Now visualize a door on water. Visualize yourself go in and visit with your spirit guide and ask questions. trust he answers you receive. Walk out the door, watch the waves turn back into breathing patterns. now open your eyes and say upon yourself: -I return to earth again -Thank you spirit self and friends Then blow out the candles in reverse order, first your chosen candle and then the blue candles.
This spell is very good to do before trying other in-depth spells.

beauty

Even though the summer air
Is hot and sweaty
And my clothes may get
Wet and sticky
I still love the way
The sun shines
Through the day
And the way the grass is tall and green
It’s breath taking all the beauty that surrounds me
There may be drama all around me
With the war and fighting families
But nothing will take away
All this beauty that I see

avery

You are the air that I breath
And the stars in my sky
You are my everything
And you are mine
You build me up
When I am down
You make me smile
When I frown
How you do the things you do
I will never know
But I know that for you
My love continues to grow
I love you
And everything you do for me
You truly are heaven sent
And they sent you to me
You are my angel
Sent from up above
You are my angel
And my love
My sweet Avery
How I love you
And let me say this
That love just grows

nothing left to say

A twisted knot upon my soul
An evil grip that wont let go
So much pain circles around
So many screams with out a sound
Argument’s range by day
So much anger and pain
I feel lost with no where to go
I feel so lost without a home
I thought this day was suppose to bring joy
But instead with my emotions it toys
I want to smile but your not here
So all I have left are these tears
Everyone here argues everyday
I never know what to say
Why cant I feel the joy of this time
Why cant you just be alive
And why cant the world just get along
Instead of everything just going wrong
Its not suppose to be this way
With all this anger and this pain
But I have nothing left to say
Other then what’s with this holiday

true love

The warm golden sun shining upon my body
The crisp air of love covers my soul
The twinkling in the stars all around me
So many stories left untold
The touch upon my skin
Send love down through me
The waking of my heart
Sends trembles through my body
The darkened cloud upon my life
Has left my world it seems
And the loving light
Does all and consumes me
You have brightened my world
With so much hope and faith
So much more love I have now
With so much more to say
You breathed life into my soul
And showered me with hope
Now with my unfortunate problems
I have learned to cope
Thank you for everything and so much more
You gave me my life back and opened my heart
With you from happiness I will never part

an erotic story of lust and sexual desires

She was setting alone in her apartment waiting for her best fiend to come over and hang out. While waiting she didn’t realize that she had begun masturbating to the idea of being with her best friend. Just as he walked in she quickly realized what she was doing and stopped, thankfully he didn’t catch her in the act. Now that would be awkward. She often did think about her friend in that way, but never thought he would ever look at her like that, but little did she know he to masturbated at night while thinking of her.
Sometimes he would imagine her in a tight red dress shimmering down to her feet as she would lay on the bed masturbating and moaning his name as he would masturbate and cum all up and down her body. Her fantasies were a little different but almost the same. She would imagine him getting out of the pool in his swimming shorts and watching the water just drizzle down upon his body, as he shakes his head back and forth to dry his hair. He would slowly come up to her and gently caress her face while he says all the dirty things he would like to do to her. She could barely concentrate on her homework because she couldn’t stop thinking about all the things she would like to do to him. Like taking her mouth and caressing it around his big hard dick and just sucking and licking him until he came all over in her mouth. Again while imagining this she started to masturbate without thinking and this time her friend caught her in the middle of the act. Embarrassed she quickly pulled her hand away and tried to act like she wasn’t doing anything but she knew she had been caught. Sly as her friend is he asked so what was you thinking about anything I might want to know. Flushed with redness from ear to ear she said well to be honest if you really want to know I was thinking about what I want to do to you. Shocked and very intrigued he couldn’t help but ask, so what are these things you would like to do to me. As she started to tell him he couldn’t help but get aroused and was really wanting to just throw her down and take her right then and there.
After she was done telling him she asked if he would ever consider doing these things with her, and of cores he was very egger to say yes. After about ten minutes of them talking about all the sexual thoughts they had had about one another he preceded with throwing her down on the kitchen table and ripping her clothes off one piece at a time. And from that day forward they were no longer just friends instead they were friends with benefits. What a nice world huh when you can do such a thing as be friends with benefits and not even worry about strings being attached.
The end

wonder

do you ever wonder why we do the things w do for the ones we love and wonder if they would ever really do it back?

sometimes i wonder am i wasting my time or if i am doing the right thing?

either way life is life and thats all and how it is a constant wonder of right choices

avery

You are the air that I breath
And the stars in my sky
You are my everything
And you are mine
You build me up
When I am down
You make me smile
When I frown
How you do the things you do
I will never know
But I know that for you
My love continues to grow
I love you
And everything you do for me
You truly are heaven sent
And they sent you to me
You are my angel
Sent from up above
You are my angel
And my love
My sweet Avery
How I love you
And let me say this
That love just grows

journal entry

Dear journal,
I feel alone and yet I am not I don’t know whats wrong with me right now I wish I could figure it out but I cant. My mom is gone and today it marks the 3 year mark sense she had passed I miss her so much. People say I am avoiding this issue by gaming and not sleeping but who would want to sleep when someone they love is gone. You know I still blame myself about her death I know I know its not suppose to be my fault but that’s how I feel you know. I miss her so much. Sometimes when I do sleep I dream about her still being here but then when I wake up its like I have to live with her gone all over again. So why would I want to sleep if I have to go through that over and over again would you want to. Every day I think about her and every minute it seems like sometimes I just don’t want to live without her being here but I know I have to go on. Its really hard without her sometimes but I just keep taking it one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time. If I had the chance to say anything at all in the world to her right now it would be how much I love her and miss heaving her around to talk to and hang out with. People say to just move on and I try but it is so hard to just go on as if she were never here because she was here and she was a really huge part of my life. Avery so lucky to still have his mom I hope he realizes just how blessed he is to have her in his life and his dad to. They are some truly amazing people and I am blessed to have them apart of my life. Avery’s mom is awesome I love her she is so cool, a part of me just cant wait for mothers day so I can load her up on gifts from me I know she loves it when I make her stuff. Another part of me kind of dreads mothers day because I don’t have my mom or my kids. Cant say I don’t have a mom cause I still have kim and my aunt. My aunt was always like an aunt to me and yet I still call her auntie and want to call kim mom sometimes mommy. Even though it is hard without my mom here a lot of times at least I still got people who care about me and I know will always be there for me, so in a lot a ways I am still blessed and truly lucky for all the gifts and loved ones that god has given me I really am grateful for all them.

The meeting of a new mom

It all began when I started going to this group for recovery over the loss and grief of losing my mom. I met a guy by the name of Avery Scott McDonald there he was the most hansom guy I have ever seen in my entire life. Now of Corse he had a girlfriend at the time but I had to have him I had to make him mine.
His girlfriend Erica and him was having some slight trouble in there lives but me as a friend I just stayed out of it for the time being. When he asked me to come hang out with him at his place because he was gunna be alone and needed a friend of Corse I said yes. Our friendship over time did progress into much more and even though it turned into a great relationship never did I know exactly what I would get out of this wonderful relationship.
Well that day I was hanging out at his place hi mother called and asked if he would come up for the weekend so he asked if I wouldn’t mind going of coarse I said yes, I wanted to go everywhere he went. When I met his mom she seemed like the most nicest person I have ever met but she ended up being much more then that. Her and I formed a bond so fast it was like a lighting bolt hit us.
As her and I started getting closer and closer we became more like daughter and mother so even though I had lost my mom not to long ago it seemed that I have found a new one along with a great husband to be. And yes even though I found a great relationship with Avery with his mom I formed a big huge important relationship with his mom because she became like my own mom to me. So life brings you new family when you think hope is lost and don’t have one anymore. His mom is now like the mom I have always wished I had growing up and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I am so happy now, yeah I miss my mom a lot from time to time but a lot of that void is filled thanks to Kim because she is my new mommy and I love her with all my heart.
The end.

why i dont sleep in care of my mom

whispering voices in the wind
sometimes your love i wish you'd send
fadeing memories of you and me
taunting images that i see

a fearful dream within a dream
a tearful awake of the unseen
once your there but then your gone
asleep i see you you awake i do not

afriad to close my eyes a night
for the dreams that may come insigt
for when i awake you are gone
and yet again i have no mom

so why close my eyes when it ain't true
when awake i nolonger see you
so i stay awake for days an nights
for the dreams i try to fight

so that i dont cry when i awake from a dream
just to see again tha your not with me

random

i really dont know what to write am just bored right now i guess i could just start spitting off random things in my mind. i wanna play yoville but i still have 30 minutes oh yeah. mofia wars is fun so is dragon wars. hey if you need people in your crew just add me billieandavery4ever@yahoo.com anyway i better go

who knows

soetimes i wonder who i am inside am i who everyone thinks i am or is there more to me then even i can see. sure i am nice and caring but what else is there, there just has to be more. but what could that more possibly be?

lesbian thoughts

soft touch upon my body
as i caress your skin
sweet wonderful love
as the beauty begins
a skirt lifted
as the fingers slip through
oh so many things
i could do to you
imaginary but alive
images that circle my mind
i see you in my dreams
how badly i want you here with me
your not real
but games on my mind you play
tantalizing secreats
upon my mind this day
for going thoughts of striatness
as the lesbian comes out within
so many sexual ideas
where do i begin

secreat feeling

passionate kissis up and down your beautiful body that i see
a soft tender touch from your hips to your knees
a skirt slowly lifted so that i may explore
i close my eyes and dreams make me want more
i secreat thought i have each day
sometimes it feels to be the right way
i want to touch you and feel your whole body around me
i want it i need it give me what i need
sometimes i wonder if i am swinging right
but sometimes it feels like a constant fight
i have a true love but am i his
or does the word lesbian describe me as is
i need to know the truth of who i am
but where in the world do i begin

to my fiance avery mcdonald

sometimes i have the anger deep within my soul
sometimes i dont know where it all goes
but now i found a way
to release it in one day
i talk and talk until it is all out
even if i feel the need to shout
and now i must say
i feel better then i did yesterday
thanks to my lovelt fiance
for helping me make head way
on getting all my feelings out
i thank him everyday escepicially right now.

depression

ok so my depression is starting to get to me so i thought i would blog about it. the day my mom passed away is starting to come up and i miss her very much i know she is in a better place but it still gets me down, that may be normal but still how do i shake this depression?

the drama of billie and avery part 7

well we got moved in to our new place and it is really nice only one down fall the shower is really small but i can just put a little chair in it and it should be fine.

tune in for more of the drama of billie and avery

oklahoma girl
billie

i give thanks

In the mist of the day
I bow my head and prey
To the lord up above
Thanking him for his love
He has helped me many times
Even cleared the tears I cried
So to the lord I give my thanks
Each and everyday

the drama of billie and avery part 5

well we got the place and everything seems to be going real great, and my credit was good so i was able to turn on the electric no problem along with some other things. so it looks like everything is going good so tune in for more episodes of the drama of billie and avery.

oklahoma girl
billie

dear avery

I've been thinking about our life, and how you make everything feel alright. The way you make me feel, from my head to my toes. te way you make my heart just go and go.

i feel a thumo here and a thump there, i feel the love raidiating everywhere. from my head to my toes to my kness and my thighs. baby your love makes me feel high.

its like im flying high in the clouds, and the sound of music plays so loud. louder then a band practicing for days. on there song with the message they play.


a message that speaks to my mind and soul, with a feeling of love that makes me whole. i'll hold on tight and never let go, as out love just continues to flow.

flow like a river with ripples in the tide, oh my sweet love for you i could never hide.

a new mom

you took me in
when i was alone
you gave me hope
you gave me a home

my mind was tortured
with the pain of loss
but you filled my heart
with joy at no cost

with you
i have a mom again
joyful tears and words
where to begin

you feel my life with hope
instead of dispair
in a way i've never
seen anyone care

so thankyou for
giving me a mom again
my sincere gratitude and love
will never end

lifes little up and downs

well sometimes i like i am just going completely crazy and i dont know why. i have a genarally good life and yet there are some many thing in life that seem to still annoy me like me and everything around me and i dont know why. i should be happy because i have a wonderful boyfriend his family is awesome and give me a sense of family that i havent felt in a long time and maybe thats what is getting to me but it shouldnt it should make me happy but for some reason every thing around me litterally annoys me. so why do i feel this way i just dont know maybe i will figure it out maybe i wont but who knows maybe i am just going crazy and just dont know how to stay happy.

darkness

the darkness enters as i feel so lost
i reach for happieness
but all is lost
as the darkness enters
my unstable mind
i can't help
but wonder why
I reach for love and my faith
but i feel it begin to fade
where are you
this bliss i seek
why must you leaveme here so weak
the blood i feel is pouring downas i can nolonger
shake this frownthe light is fadingand so is life
as i reach for that bloddy knife
reached is how i feel
i no longer can deal
please forgive mefor the battle is lost
and here my lifewas the cost
please dont hate what i have done
but the darkness has finally won
i bleed internallyand now is out
i feel the need to scream and shou
tgoodbye the ones who loved me so
please dont be mad but i had to go
cause no longer can i hold.

dont be insecure

your feeling insecure
and dont know what to do
but i just want you to know
that i believe in you
you keep me safe
and take care of my needs
you are always
there for me

you say you feel like less of a man
but baby your all there
and trust me
you show me that you care

you always take care of things
even when hope is lost
you always get what we need
no matter what the cost

so dont feel insecure
and know that your the man
you got everything under control
even on demand

keep moving on

lost in the fearsfrom all of the yearsshe's been in depressionholding her aggressionso she wouldn't burstshe didn't want to cursecause she's a christian girlwho's lost in all the swirlsof life, that keeps going onso she keeps moving on to see what's on the other sideeven though her mind has driedof all the happiness and loveshe pushes through with a little shoveand on the other side....is a beautiful rainbow

use to feel this way

i can not sleep
i can not eat
for you are not
here with me
this is how i use to feel
when the pain felt so very real
but now the pain
has found a way
to slowy start to fade

cross my heart and hope to die

Cross my heart and hope to die, I always say that when I lie ...Conceiling all intions with a smileIs how I've been deceiving time.And yet he stares at me shakenTerrified at the thought of being taken;Those fraged lips are tremblingThat cursed tongue in its borrow is shaking ...All the words you never spoke,All the thoughts you always tore,All the feelings turned to dust,All the wishes turned to lust ...Everything you ever knew,All the power you ever grew,Every memory you ever had,All the dreams you dared not grab ...I have shut within my core,I have gathered in my soul,I have burried with my lies,I have shattered before my eyes ...All I am sits before your acking stare;Yet appearently all you seeIs but an empty shell of me.Ask of me to speak my mind -To release all that I hide,Ask of me to open that crimson door -To let your pleeding voice enter my core,Ask of me to gaze once more -Upon your bleeding opened soul,Ask of me to speak the truth -To heal those wounds you selfinduced ...Ask once more, without prideAsk again, until you cryAsk and I shall reply ...Cross my heart and hope to die,My love, I have always tryed to comply ...Oh, how I never tire of this lie !

the happiest sad ending

It was then, but it is now. Then and now, there's been no changes. I love her as if it was the first day I met her, the first time we talked. I was certain I was dreaming, and with her I would have asked everyone to not wake me up.From the diary of a dreamer I look out on a cold, distant world of such cold and Grey uncaring. From the diary of a dreamer I write my story in bitter ink. It is a strong formula, one made of vitrol, black dye, tears and broken feelings. The perfect ink in which to write in the diary of a dreamer. It will never fade.I remember my first friend. He was an imaginary duck named Willard. He would follow me around and quack around the blacktop as my classmates stood and stared. It was fine. I was used to it. I had my duck and, in my mind it was the most real thing to me. It was even more real then my friends and family and classmates. They lied, they put on masks, they hid, the fought. It was a meeting of those with an acute fear of themselves with others with the same disabilty. But Willard, he never lied. He never wore a mask. He never hid. He never fought. He just followed along, quacking and listening to everything I told him intently. Once in a while, when things were really bad he would attempt to hug me, his shining white feathers encircling me. I asked him to stop. I had touch atrophy. It had been so long since human contact that the slightest touch would feel wierd or out of place.And now I write a final chapter in my diary of a dreamer. For I am a dreamer. I dream only when I am awake for sleep is the only solace I have from myself. I dream of duck's, I dream of kiss from a lover, I dream of her. The saddest thing about a dream is that it ends. As do all things but dreams have significance. You can't touch a dream, feel a dream, see a dream, but you know when you've had one. And she was my dream. And just like a dream she was insubstantial so I could never touch her, she was distanced, not from me but from herself so I could not know her, and she was conflicted. And just like a dream I could not touch her, could not feel her, could not see her, but I know she was there. She was my dream, my sweet dream that lingered long after awakening.I feel no great sadness for dreams pass, that is their nature. And for the slightest moment, the slightest bit of hope entered in my life. And for that I thank her. Even though she had decieved me and herself I thank her. I want her to be happy, as she has made me happy. Would that I would wish evil or bad upon her for ending this dream. I wish her well. May the sun always be at her back, may she live the life she deserves, may she always carry an untroubled smile and may she be always rewarded for the moment of happiness she has granted this dreamer. For it was one moment of happiness. One moment of happiness for all of a man's life. Isn't that enough to last?

Imagination is My Favorite Color

My sky is painted sunrise and sunset,My grass is the greenest velvet,Of paper flowers and printed butterflies,does every word I ever write covet.My world has no light or darkness,Stars mingle with rays of a sun,Of liquid moonlight and painted rainbows,This world of thorny roses has just begun.The essence of time does not exist,In a time out of time lingers my world,Of Spring's rain and an Autumns delight,I roam free like the laughter of a little girl.But I know this is sand in a sift,I always awaken from my world that is the other,Of everything bleak in a world of balck and white,does imagination become my favorite color.

love is when

You miss him even before you part.When you could listen to him talk all night.And never get tired of hearing his voice.When the sound of his name will send chills down your spine and you see his smile the second you close your eyes.

a message written from heaven

A message from heavenwritten by jonasfan123
21:23 2/3/09
Poem Style: none
perhaps you aren't ready yet to have to say good-bye...Prehaps you've thought of things you with you've said- well so have i.For one thing ,i'd have told you not to woory about me...i'm with the lard in heaven now you knew thats where i'd be. I'm sorry that you're feeling sad, for i'm so happy now...I've asked the lard to ease the hurt and comfort you somehow.It''s hard at the beginning,but i know you;ll make it though.I hope it helps to know that i'll be waiting here for you.

silence thats not so quite

whispers in the walls
silent screams, silent calls
chills down my spine
memories flowing
as i cry

a silent whimper
in the wind
so much time left
here to spend
painful thoughts
of a lost soul
so much hurt that i hold

people calling
that i can't see
so many
un wanted deeds
cuts along my skin
the pain i remember when

the silent breathe
that no one hears
the silent screams
unwanted fears
so many things
left unseen
dear loed whats
happened to me

i feel the fright
through my viens
i feel the call
of being insane
i dont know
what this is
but i feel like
a shaken kid

a silent voice
spoken deep
i feel the shadows
as they creep
i'll see you around
in another time
but the world bids me
a good bye

the drama of billie and avery part 4

well good news it looks like were going to get the apartment so thats good maybe now the hunt for a place will be over. well they said we should know by this time tomarrow so i have a good feeling the lady seemed sure that we would get it...........well i will let you know tomarrow how everything goes so tune in to marrow for more blogs on the drama of billie and avery

oklahoma girl
billie

boredom

have you ever got so bored you just started writing and writing and couldnt stop well i am having one of those days. yeah i know some of them just seem so goofy and weird but i cant help it i am bored and i have to do something so i write. well i dont want to keep boreing you so i guess i will go. to leave with a thought why do we get bored and why when were bored we do strang thoughts like just write and write and write or dance i dont know if you have an answer for me let me know

oklahoma girl
billie

thoughts amd memories

i can remember being younger and watching my grandma dancing to bear in the big blue house it was funny and sweet the way she use to play with us kids.

another thought i can also remember watching my mom dance to music in the car as we would dance together.

i miss alot of things in my life that are never going to happen again.

why do things change why cant they ever just stay the same and why do people have to leave our lives and die?

just a thought

oklahoma girl
billie

dont give up

enlighten my body
enlighten my soul
bring reality
bring me home
take care of my heart
take care of me
help me find
and fulfil what i need

take my hand
take my heart
from my side
please dont part
hold me close
hold me tight
dont give up
on this fight

keep the hope
keep the light
know your heart
know your mine
this will work out
i promise you that
so dont give up
cause thats a fact

the drama of billie and avery part 3

well just a heads up it looks like were going to get into whispering pines so everything is starting to look good hopefull everything works out and we will have evough money for food to las the month.

tune in to more of the drama of billie and avery
oklahoma girl
billie

home depot

A man and his wife went to Home Depot to buy fertilizer for their yard. The wife went to ask there store manager where it was and left the man by the gardening tools. "how does this look for our yard, honey," the husband said holding a tool. "Dammit Steve, we just came here for fertilizer. Why are men so attracted to hoes?"

i found it

the air was once just something i just breathed in
but now it so much more then it was then
and the sun was just a sun
and now its brighter then it was
evrything hasas more beauty then it ever has
i can feel the warmth from the soul to my hands
everything use to seem so dullfrom what i can tell
but its changed so beautifully sense i fell
i use to say soulmates dont exsist
and from love i use to resist
but eversense i met you
i know that love is true
and no matter what they say
you are my soulmate in every way

now and then

a silent darkness clouded my life
and nothing in ti seemed to go right
loved ones dieing and being taken away
to the alful things i did each day
drugs and partiing seemed to be all i did
back then i was a troubled kid
but then something trumatic changed my life
that was worse then being stabbed with a knife
i lost my mom my very best friend
from the life of drugs her llife did end
i saw then how i was wassting precious time
druging and boozing away my life
and though it took awhile to see
i stopped doing the very thing that was killing me
i miss my mom all the time
it was a very important lesson she left behind
to keep on living you must be aliveand your not living by doing drugs all the time

my mom was everything she was my best friend
and for her i will keep on living till the very end

thoughts

i often think why do we do the things we do like over shop you over spend?
and why does life come att you so fast you dont even see it coming like your place cathing on fire a close relative dieing loseing a child or having to start all over all the time?

why do all these things happen?

is ie just to help us learn and grow or is there a deeper meaning behind them?

oklahoma girl
billie

memories 2

you ever have these flashing memories that pass through your mind about your childhood and it makes you wonder why things change. i do why do people grow apart and why must people die a question i often ask myself.

oklahoma girl
billie

the drama of billie and avery part 2

well todaywas a long day whhile still on a search hunt for the better apartment we had to move all our stuff out of our old one before 2 today unfortunatly we wasnt able to get our funiture out do to the long 3 flight oof stairs cause of course there elevator just had to be broken..... well thats it for today please tune in for more drama of billie and avery

to be continued.....

oklahoma girl
billie

hello

never meant to hurt you but i know i did knocking on the door baby something gotta give chasing all these men thats how we rappers live i know i did alot of things that you cant for giverebecca.steavens: i was so weak when i shoulda been strong i was on the road and you were home alone in the back of my mind i knew it was all wrong its bonnie and clide just you and me for now onrebecca.steavens: i never been faithful before in my life didnt understand the words husband and wife every time i cheated on you it cut like a knife im so ashamed i could take my own liferebecca.steavens: trying to keep my image up i lied and hid ya had to be a rapper couldnt be seen with ya you use to call me late night cause you really miss me

broken

have you ever felt so broken you didnt think anything would make you feel good again. thats how i felt 3 years ago after my mother died, i didnt think anything would ever take the pain away. The pain felt never ending and sometimes still does, so believe me when i say i have been there and alot of the times i still am. so if your wondering if it stops it dont but it does get more manegible, i wouldnt say better but deffinatly more managible. its even more managible when you have people there for you witch i really didnt until i met my husband avery. so to all of you going through any kind of pain like this i hope it gets somewhat better for you some how and i am here if you need someone to talk to.

oklahoma girl

billie

life and keeping in touch

sometimes i wonder why certian things happen in our life.
you know like constantly heing the ones we love just keep watching the ones we love fade away. or pull away from us and barely keep in touch any more. i mean whatever happen to people staying in touch any more. I wonder as we all get older does everyone loose contact with the ones they love or do we just stop making the time for them any more.

oklahoma girl
billie

My avery

i love the way he makes me smile
and fills my world with bliss
i love the way he holds me
and the way we kiss

the sweet nothings he whispers
in my ear and the sweet way he
comforts away my fears

he is the air i breath in
and the song i sing within
he is everything to me and more
he is my amore

i love my sweet avery
he makes me feel whole
and no matter where we are
he is my home

what boredom will do to you

you can have whatever you like
just tell me what to spike
ill take you for a ride
baby lets go get high

dont mind me just writeing this cause i am bored

memories

a single moment in time
when you held me as i cried
a few lasting tears
sheltering me from my fears
lullbys sang to me so sweet
comforting advive when you speak
oh the way you made me feel
how those times was so real
and now i cry as i long for your touch
i miss feeling your warmth and love
oh dear mommy how i miss you so
i wish you could come hme

dear obama

the fog of the world ways thick
and the economy makes me sick
we got people praying for some way out
and people inside screaming as we shout
but todays a new day
and maybe this will al change
now that we have obama in the reins
\but so many promises were broken in the past
so will this hopeful future really last
i pray for the economy to come back up
and for the system to not be corupt
so come on obama, be the light at the end of this dark tunnel
and pour freedom back in that funnel

the drama of billie and avery

first me and avery finally get our own place at a place called chickasha hotel and apartments but then in our first month the apartment bulding catches on fire and we have to get out. hopeing that the place would be fixed soon we then find out they had to shut it down so it was back to square one and now were trying to get into a place called whispering pine hopefull this all works out so please wish us luck and tune iin for more blogs on the drama of billie and avery.