journal entry

Dear journal,
I feel alone and yet I am not I don’t know whats wrong with me right now I wish I could figure it out but I cant. My mom is gone and today it marks the 3 year mark sense she had passed I miss her so much. People say I am avoiding this issue by gaming and not sleeping but who would want to sleep when someone they love is gone. You know I still blame myself about her death I know I know its not suppose to be my fault but that’s how I feel you know. I miss her so much. Sometimes when I do sleep I dream about her still being here but then when I wake up its like I have to live with her gone all over again. So why would I want to sleep if I have to go through that over and over again would you want to. Every day I think about her and every minute it seems like sometimes I just don’t want to live without her being here but I know I have to go on. Its really hard without her sometimes but I just keep taking it one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time. If I had the chance to say anything at all in the world to her right now it would be how much I love her and miss heaving her around to talk to and hang out with. People say to just move on and I try but it is so hard to just go on as if she were never here because she was here and she was a really huge part of my life. Avery so lucky to still have his mom I hope he realizes just how blessed he is to have her in his life and his dad to. They are some truly amazing people and I am blessed to have them apart of my life. Avery’s mom is awesome I love her she is so cool, a part of me just cant wait for mothers day so I can load her up on gifts from me I know she loves it when I make her stuff. Another part of me kind of dreads mothers day because I don’t have my mom or my kids. Cant say I don’t have a mom cause I still have kim and my aunt. My aunt was always like an aunt to me and yet I still call her auntie and want to call kim mom sometimes mommy. Even though it is hard without my mom here a lot of times at least I still got people who care about me and I know will always be there for me, so in a lot a ways I am still blessed and truly lucky for all the gifts and loved ones that god has given me I really am grateful for all them.