my random thoughts

I cant think right now my mind is all over the place. I guess I am just bored and there’s noting better to do then just write every single thought that is going through my mind right now maybe after I get it all out I will be able to sleep and not have a night filled with racing thoughts.
Lets see I am thinking about my mom and how much I miss her I can still here her laugh and the way she use to baby talk. I am thinking about my dad and wondering how he is doing and wishing that I could write as good as he does. I am thinking about my kids and how much I would love to see them, but with no way to do so. I am thinking of Avery and how lucky I am to have such an understanding guy who loves me with no limits. I am thinking about how wonderful his family is and how lucky I am to have them and I am also thinking about my aunt and how she may be doing, I really should call her more often then I do. I really should call my dad to I bet he is wondering how I am doing. Well I am all thought out but if any more random thoughts come to mind I will be back with more to talk about. Now hopefully I can sleep. Good night all have a good night and a very good week.
Sincerely Billie atterberry
3/27/2009

swept away

To my feet I rose to see you as you passed me byI would lurk in the cornersto hear your sweet voiceI was entranced by the softness of your expressionMy heart just had no choicebut each day i would say helloshylythen walk on bymy soul eventually cried outI wanted to have you for my ownto taste those beautiful lipsseemed I had forever been alonemy will one day pushed me forwardyet I was afraid of a nobut when I asked if you'd like a datemy heart rushed to my throatwhen you saidsure I'll goafter 25 years I still hold youand look into your dark alluring eyespinch myself to make sure it's not a dreamas we still touch each others bodies and tantalizefor each day I awake and caress youI fall deeper stillfor I was swept away by you my loveyou are my greatest thrill
Tom Atterberry4-7-02

my dear friend by my dad

Whispers in the wind, the voice of an old friendthe cradle of a distant memoryin the warm and pleasant sun, those dreams begin to runback to the times of you and meOceans apart could not hide our heartsI can almost still feel you herebut like a flutter in the air, your love I will always shareand there are days I can still feel you nearand when the wall of sadness calls my namejust the thought of you lifts my spirits highfor I just know you are up there watchingthrough a soft and peaceful skySo I will endure these dusty roadsuntil I reach my earthly endI will be comforted by your remembranceUntil we meet againmy dear friend.Tom Atterberry2-19-02

lifes many faces

Moon melting orange in the skyacross the purple and blue tinged huescarlet sorrow entwinedinside of youseagulls call in the distanceI lie here in the early morning sunwatching the crabs scamper to their hide awayI look back to the past, and feel the memories runlike a child at play in a field of greenthrough the vast valley floormy heart still like an eaglebut it can soar no moreI feel the spirit of the grizzlybut I may flounder just as wellfor I am in a state of shockit's duration I cannot tellas the fiery ball of lightsets again for another daybetween the Hills of experienceI wave the blues awayI bless the love and kindnessand swallow the pain as wholeI will survive the high crashing riftsbut it will not impede upon my goal.Tom Atterberry3-2-02

my dads poem

Time is running away like a wild stallionbut this old goat, just does his thingyounger bucks make comments todaybut they to will setime just flies awaylooking back I didn't sow many wild oatsso there's not to many weeds to pullyes sometimes i get lonelymaybe my life is someway dullsometimes people call me on the phoneusually if they need a handbut when it's cold and I'm alonethey just don't seem to understandso like the mighty oak treeI bear the scars of seasons pastbut it to shows it's age in timeme with wrinkles, and itwhen it's bark is castlike the snow you see in winterso to does it color my hairlacking in spots, some call distinctionI just say it's all baremy heart dances with springtimethough my body talks of fallmany sorrows and memoriesand I have survived them all.Tom Atterberry3-15-02

my dads short story that he wrote

A short but sweet encounter on a California beach in 1956, was special to Gina and Tommy but they did not realize at the time. They went about their lives and even though they were unaware that they had met for a reason, a small piece of their hearts ached for years to come. Neither one could find what this missing piece was. Tommy went on to become a sheriff in a small town, in Oklahoma where he had moved in 1961 after finishing his tenure ay Oklahoma University. He turned down a football career for the simple but hard life of a farmer. He was at a party gone bad in the country near his home, and when the arrests were made, he found one had put a slug in his side. He was so busy dealing with the scene that he didn't feel the injury till later. He was sent to a major Hospital in Oklahoma City, where he had surgery and was to recuperate. He had a hard time trying to just be there, he hated being confined. On the third day standing at the window looking out, with his IV bottle and all attached He was leaning out the third floor looking down bare ass showing. A hmm hmm from a soft voice said 'and what do you think you are doing' when he turned around he almost fainted from the person he saw in front of him it was Gina, she had become a nurse. She was equally in awe, but still used her abilities to get Tommy back in bed. They talked of where each had been, and what they had done. The head nurse walked in and said I hate to break up your reunion, but I need some blood for some tests, Tommy said then don't interrupt us, you can get the blood later it ain't going nowhere. Gina had been married but she had divorced because he became a drunk and beat her all the time, yet she said he still tries to come around and rein havoc from time to time. A few days later before Tommy's discharge, they exchanged phone numbers and address. But fate still was not to be kind, it was several months before they would communicate again. {2} Tommy was into an investigation over a murder homicide that was down near the county seat, and Gina was dealing with classes and mid terms as she was going for her RN. a couple of letters filtered down to Tommy, and then they just stopped he sent several more, and tried to call but there was never an answer. He began to get curious as well as worry, one weekend he finally got a day off and drove to Oklahoma City to see if he could locate her. After checking at the address on the letters he could see that her mail box was stuffed with past dated mail, he asked neighbors they told him she was in the hospital, her ex-husband had beat her pretty bad. He drove to her job and asked what room she was in, and rushed to her side. She was in a coma, he fell to his knees never before a tear now they came like the rain. He made contact with local officials they had not located him yet. He went back to Gina's bedside held her hand for hours, kissing her cheek and hand and praying for her recovery. I don't know if you can hear me, but I pray God will let you come out of this...I love you Gina through tear stained eyes and a sorrowful heart he pledged. And to him self he decided that he would find this sick Bastard as well, they better hope I don't find him first. Everyday for the next six months Tommy would put in his day, drive to Gina hold her hand till wee hours of the morning then drive back home about a 100 mile round trip. Also during this time He met her parents and they began talking a lot of her and how they met so long ago. Gina's Father Enrico had to get back to work so he left and Her mother took up room at Tommy's mothers house for the mean time. As time went by Maria Gina's mother became very close to Tommy and his mother Linda. On days off Tommy spent all his time searching for clues and back tracking Gina's X. then back to the hospital to see her, eventually they wanted to release her to an old age home, but Tommy said no way she will live with us. The two mothers became her care givers, Gina's Father traveling back and forth as he could. {3} One evening Tommy was tired and feeling down he stopped into a local tavern, he began shooting pool and just general talk with some of his friends who felt a bit left out since all this started. They told him he needed to give up on this venture and start living his life again. He told them he understood their feelings, but if they were really his friends they would hang with him through this. He got quite drunk, for the first time since he celebrated his 21st, he started crying deeply at the side of the bank near his house where he stared at the moon and stars and asked God to please help Gina, and let this miserable man be found. He started his day by kissing her lips, and each night he would kneel at her bedside take her hand and pray again. One December morning, he walked out to the back gate to get hay for the horses and his mother started screaming frantically to him. Tommy, Tommy please hurry come now. He thought the worse and ran to the house, as he arrived he saw what they saw her eyes had movement and her toes wiggled. He called the hospital, sobbing with happiness. They said get her in here we will try to give her some therapy to see what kind of response there is, but do not build up you hope to far. He took her in and Physical Therapy began. The doctors were not very elated, but Tommy felt faith would not be daunted and he would continue his vigil. A sheriff called him the following day, to assist on a road block of a suspected killer at large. He drove up to the location and brought the dogs for foot patrol of the surrounding woods. Seemed some guy had robbed a local diner and killed the lady cashier, cause she didn't put the money in a bag fast enough. And to add more sorrow to that, she was seven months pregnant and was trying to raise a little boy too. There was a thirty square mile area sectioned off, and for almost two weeks Tommy was away from His Gina, but he always called routinely. Finally one day just about sunrise, they were going to call off the hunt when there in the thicket by Murphy's pasture he heard a noise, he quietly made his way to the area. He called the others before he started to investigate, it could be anything. Just as he approached the clearing he heard a shot then felt a pain to his right shoulder. He fell to the ground, he looked and saw the blood. About that time another officer was hit as well but he was not so lucky. Tommy got to his car and called it in, then ran up to Murphy's house and borrowed a horse. There was no way he could drive or catch him on foot in his condition. Finally near Perlita Creek he had him cornered, and the other officers were coming at the killer from the rear. But rather than give up, he rushed toward Tommy blindly shooting, Tommy told him to drop his gun and just lie down but it was no use. So as he got closer Tommy fired and hit him in the leg, he approached the guy and kicked away his pistol, and as he tried to raise him up he came at Tommy with a hunting knife. After a missing swipe of the blade Tommy realized upon looking closely that this was Gina's X, here before him. Tears rolled down his face, a hatred filled his heart. But he held onto his sense of direction, the other officers arrived and while they were trying to cuff him he grabbed one of their guns from it's holster. Tommy thought quickly and shot, he was probably dead before he hit the ground. Tommy hit him right between the eyes. After Tommy went to the local clinic to get patched up, and cleaned up at home he called home to check on Gina, he did not tell them his troubles for it was so trivial compared to His Loves. {4} Tommy was given some well earned time off, of which he spent most of the time with Gina. He began occupying some of his time writing love sonnets, something he had not done since his hap hazard days at High school. He started building a log cabin near the mouth of Patterson Creek, in the lower ten acres of his farm. He felt this would be a house for him and Gina, it kept his faith strong. It never once entered his mind that what if she died, or never came out of the coma. He had many local gals after him, but soon they thought he was insane some also wished they had a man with such dedication. Tommy had been to a local football game, just for a change of pace when he got a call on his two way. Gina was out of her coma, he drove frantically all the way there. Very weak, and looking around she said only mumbles. But after four years she had awakened. It took another three years of extensive therapy, and Tommy had worked a lot of hours and sold off most of his old farm down the road to keep up the vigil. Friends donated money and sold other things to help. Gina's father cashed in savings bonds and his life insurance, and years of prayers were offered and it finally all paid off. In 1969, eight years after the beginning of this Tommy and Gina were married. Down by the creek where Tommy had built their new home, there were thousands of people there from all over, amidst the blooming meadow flowers. On their thirtieth wedding anniversary, he set with her on the same beach where they first chanced to meet, he said what if you would have said no after all that time I waited? What if you didn't love me? Gina said who couldn't love you, and who would be such a fool. So many years ago, a few moments on this beach that became a lifetime. What no one knew. Tom Atterberry 4-19-02

quick note

well i was in an accident the other day and well i was hurt pretty bad and now i have to be on pain killers and muscle relaxers. but at least i wont feel any pain right.

sometimes

Do you ever wonder why we cry
A single tear at times
Or how we patiently wait
For the right moment to prey
Sometimes I wonder
what lifes about
Or how this world
Truly came about

enlightenment spell

Enlightenment Spell And Ritual
This spell requires two blue candles and one candle to portray yourself, and sandalwood oil. Anoint candles with the oil and visualize yourself being translike state. place blue candles on either side of the chosen candle, light the blue candles and say unto thyself: -Spirit guides/ higher self hear my plea -Come now and converse with me -Walk me and guide me through this veil trance, I ask of you
Now sit in a comfortable position and become aware of your breathing patterns. Inhale deeply, exhale deeply, listen to rhythmic body and breathing motions. become relaxed and close your eyes. Focus on your third eye and visualize red, orange, yellow, green, blue, blue, indigo, purple, and white in order. Hold each color for a count of five. Watch as it fades into each color, still focusing on third eye. Watch your breath and see your chest rise and fall with with air (eyes still closed) and watch your breath as it as it changes into waves. Now visualize a door on water. Visualize yourself go in and visit with your spirit guide and ask questions. trust he answers you receive. Walk out the door, watch the waves turn back into breathing patterns. now open your eyes and say upon yourself: -I return to earth again -Thank you spirit self and friends Then blow out the candles in reverse order, first your chosen candle and then the blue candles.
This spell is very good to do before trying other in-depth spells.

beauty

Even though the summer air
Is hot and sweaty
And my clothes may get
Wet and sticky
I still love the way
The sun shines
Through the day
And the way the grass is tall and green
It’s breath taking all the beauty that surrounds me
There may be drama all around me
With the war and fighting families
But nothing will take away
All this beauty that I see

avery

You are the air that I breath
And the stars in my sky
You are my everything
And you are mine
You build me up
When I am down
You make me smile
When I frown
How you do the things you do
I will never know
But I know that for you
My love continues to grow
I love you
And everything you do for me
You truly are heaven sent
And they sent you to me
You are my angel
Sent from up above
You are my angel
And my love
My sweet Avery
How I love you
And let me say this
That love just grows

nothing left to say

A twisted knot upon my soul
An evil grip that wont let go
So much pain circles around
So many screams with out a sound
Argument’s range by day
So much anger and pain
I feel lost with no where to go
I feel so lost without a home
I thought this day was suppose to bring joy
But instead with my emotions it toys
I want to smile but your not here
So all I have left are these tears
Everyone here argues everyday
I never know what to say
Why cant I feel the joy of this time
Why cant you just be alive
And why cant the world just get along
Instead of everything just going wrong
Its not suppose to be this way
With all this anger and this pain
But I have nothing left to say
Other then what’s with this holiday

true love

The warm golden sun shining upon my body
The crisp air of love covers my soul
The twinkling in the stars all around me
So many stories left untold
The touch upon my skin
Send love down through me
The waking of my heart
Sends trembles through my body
The darkened cloud upon my life
Has left my world it seems
And the loving light
Does all and consumes me
You have brightened my world
With so much hope and faith
So much more love I have now
With so much more to say
You breathed life into my soul
And showered me with hope
Now with my unfortunate problems
I have learned to cope
Thank you for everything and so much more
You gave me my life back and opened my heart
With you from happiness I will never part

an erotic story of lust and sexual desires

She was setting alone in her apartment waiting for her best fiend to come over and hang out. While waiting she didn’t realize that she had begun masturbating to the idea of being with her best friend. Just as he walked in she quickly realized what she was doing and stopped, thankfully he didn’t catch her in the act. Now that would be awkward. She often did think about her friend in that way, but never thought he would ever look at her like that, but little did she know he to masturbated at night while thinking of her.
Sometimes he would imagine her in a tight red dress shimmering down to her feet as she would lay on the bed masturbating and moaning his name as he would masturbate and cum all up and down her body. Her fantasies were a little different but almost the same. She would imagine him getting out of the pool in his swimming shorts and watching the water just drizzle down upon his body, as he shakes his head back and forth to dry his hair. He would slowly come up to her and gently caress her face while he says all the dirty things he would like to do to her. She could barely concentrate on her homework because she couldn’t stop thinking about all the things she would like to do to him. Like taking her mouth and caressing it around his big hard dick and just sucking and licking him until he came all over in her mouth. Again while imagining this she started to masturbate without thinking and this time her friend caught her in the middle of the act. Embarrassed she quickly pulled her hand away and tried to act like she wasn’t doing anything but she knew she had been caught. Sly as her friend is he asked so what was you thinking about anything I might want to know. Flushed with redness from ear to ear she said well to be honest if you really want to know I was thinking about what I want to do to you. Shocked and very intrigued he couldn’t help but ask, so what are these things you would like to do to me. As she started to tell him he couldn’t help but get aroused and was really wanting to just throw her down and take her right then and there.
After she was done telling him she asked if he would ever consider doing these things with her, and of cores he was very egger to say yes. After about ten minutes of them talking about all the sexual thoughts they had had about one another he preceded with throwing her down on the kitchen table and ripping her clothes off one piece at a time. And from that day forward they were no longer just friends instead they were friends with benefits. What a nice world huh when you can do such a thing as be friends with benefits and not even worry about strings being attached.
The end

wonder

do you ever wonder why we do the things w do for the ones we love and wonder if they would ever really do it back?

sometimes i wonder am i wasting my time or if i am doing the right thing?

either way life is life and thats all and how it is a constant wonder of right choices

avery

You are the air that I breath
And the stars in my sky
You are my everything
And you are mine
You build me up
When I am down
You make me smile
When I frown
How you do the things you do
I will never know
But I know that for you
My love continues to grow
I love you
And everything you do for me
You truly are heaven sent
And they sent you to me
You are my angel
Sent from up above
You are my angel
And my love
My sweet Avery
How I love you
And let me say this
That love just grows

journal entry

Dear journal,
I feel alone and yet I am not I don’t know whats wrong with me right now I wish I could figure it out but I cant. My mom is gone and today it marks the 3 year mark sense she had passed I miss her so much. People say I am avoiding this issue by gaming and not sleeping but who would want to sleep when someone they love is gone. You know I still blame myself about her death I know I know its not suppose to be my fault but that’s how I feel you know. I miss her so much. Sometimes when I do sleep I dream about her still being here but then when I wake up its like I have to live with her gone all over again. So why would I want to sleep if I have to go through that over and over again would you want to. Every day I think about her and every minute it seems like sometimes I just don’t want to live without her being here but I know I have to go on. Its really hard without her sometimes but I just keep taking it one day at a time sometimes one minute at a time. If I had the chance to say anything at all in the world to her right now it would be how much I love her and miss heaving her around to talk to and hang out with. People say to just move on and I try but it is so hard to just go on as if she were never here because she was here and she was a really huge part of my life. Avery so lucky to still have his mom I hope he realizes just how blessed he is to have her in his life and his dad to. They are some truly amazing people and I am blessed to have them apart of my life. Avery’s mom is awesome I love her she is so cool, a part of me just cant wait for mothers day so I can load her up on gifts from me I know she loves it when I make her stuff. Another part of me kind of dreads mothers day because I don’t have my mom or my kids. Cant say I don’t have a mom cause I still have kim and my aunt. My aunt was always like an aunt to me and yet I still call her auntie and want to call kim mom sometimes mommy. Even though it is hard without my mom here a lot of times at least I still got people who care about me and I know will always be there for me, so in a lot a ways I am still blessed and truly lucky for all the gifts and loved ones that god has given me I really am grateful for all them.

The meeting of a new mom

It all began when I started going to this group for recovery over the loss and grief of losing my mom. I met a guy by the name of Avery Scott McDonald there he was the most hansom guy I have ever seen in my entire life. Now of Corse he had a girlfriend at the time but I had to have him I had to make him mine.
His girlfriend Erica and him was having some slight trouble in there lives but me as a friend I just stayed out of it for the time being. When he asked me to come hang out with him at his place because he was gunna be alone and needed a friend of Corse I said yes. Our friendship over time did progress into much more and even though it turned into a great relationship never did I know exactly what I would get out of this wonderful relationship.
Well that day I was hanging out at his place hi mother called and asked if he would come up for the weekend so he asked if I wouldn’t mind going of coarse I said yes, I wanted to go everywhere he went. When I met his mom she seemed like the most nicest person I have ever met but she ended up being much more then that. Her and I formed a bond so fast it was like a lighting bolt hit us.
As her and I started getting closer and closer we became more like daughter and mother so even though I had lost my mom not to long ago it seemed that I have found a new one along with a great husband to be. And yes even though I found a great relationship with Avery with his mom I formed a big huge important relationship with his mom because she became like my own mom to me. So life brings you new family when you think hope is lost and don’t have one anymore. His mom is now like the mom I have always wished I had growing up and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I am so happy now, yeah I miss my mom a lot from time to time but a lot of that void is filled thanks to Kim because she is my new mommy and I love her with all my heart.
The end.

why i dont sleep in care of my mom

whispering voices in the wind
sometimes your love i wish you'd send
fadeing memories of you and me
taunting images that i see

a fearful dream within a dream
a tearful awake of the unseen
once your there but then your gone
asleep i see you you awake i do not

afriad to close my eyes a night
for the dreams that may come insigt
for when i awake you are gone
and yet again i have no mom

so why close my eyes when it ain't true
when awake i nolonger see you
so i stay awake for days an nights
for the dreams i try to fight

so that i dont cry when i awake from a dream
just to see again tha your not with me

random

i really dont know what to write am just bored right now i guess i could just start spitting off random things in my mind. i wanna play yoville but i still have 30 minutes oh yeah. mofia wars is fun so is dragon wars. hey if you need people in your crew just add me billieandavery4ever@yahoo.com anyway i better go

who knows

soetimes i wonder who i am inside am i who everyone thinks i am or is there more to me then even i can see. sure i am nice and caring but what else is there, there just has to be more. but what could that more possibly be?

lesbian thoughts

soft touch upon my body
as i caress your skin
sweet wonderful love
as the beauty begins
a skirt lifted
as the fingers slip through
oh so many things
i could do to you
imaginary but alive
images that circle my mind
i see you in my dreams
how badly i want you here with me
your not real
but games on my mind you play
tantalizing secreats
upon my mind this day
for going thoughts of striatness
as the lesbian comes out within
so many sexual ideas
where do i begin

secreat feeling

passionate kissis up and down your beautiful body that i see
a soft tender touch from your hips to your knees
a skirt slowly lifted so that i may explore
i close my eyes and dreams make me want more
i secreat thought i have each day
sometimes it feels to be the right way
i want to touch you and feel your whole body around me
i want it i need it give me what i need
sometimes i wonder if i am swinging right
but sometimes it feels like a constant fight
i have a true love but am i his
or does the word lesbian describe me as is
i need to know the truth of who i am
but where in the world do i begin