to my fiance avery mcdonald

sometimes i have the anger deep within my soul
sometimes i dont know where it all goes
but now i found a way
to release it in one day
i talk and talk until it is all out
even if i feel the need to shout
and now i must say
i feel better then i did yesterday
thanks to my lovelt fiance
for helping me make head way
on getting all my feelings out
i thank him everyday escepicially right now.

depression

ok so my depression is starting to get to me so i thought i would blog about it. the day my mom passed away is starting to come up and i miss her very much i know she is in a better place but it still gets me down, that may be normal but still how do i shake this depression?

the drama of billie and avery part 7

well we got moved in to our new place and it is really nice only one down fall the shower is really small but i can just put a little chair in it and it should be fine.

tune in for more of the drama of billie and avery

oklahoma girl
billie

i give thanks

In the mist of the day
I bow my head and prey
To the lord up above
Thanking him for his love
He has helped me many times
Even cleared the tears I cried
So to the lord I give my thanks
Each and everyday

the drama of billie and avery part 5

well we got the place and everything seems to be going real great, and my credit was good so i was able to turn on the electric no problem along with some other things. so it looks like everything is going good so tune in for more episodes of the drama of billie and avery.

oklahoma girl
billie

dear avery

I've been thinking about our life, and how you make everything feel alright. The way you make me feel, from my head to my toes. te way you make my heart just go and go.

i feel a thumo here and a thump there, i feel the love raidiating everywhere. from my head to my toes to my kness and my thighs. baby your love makes me feel high.

its like im flying high in the clouds, and the sound of music plays so loud. louder then a band practicing for days. on there song with the message they play.


a message that speaks to my mind and soul, with a feeling of love that makes me whole. i'll hold on tight and never let go, as out love just continues to flow.

flow like a river with ripples in the tide, oh my sweet love for you i could never hide.

a new mom

you took me in
when i was alone
you gave me hope
you gave me a home

my mind was tortured
with the pain of loss
but you filled my heart
with joy at no cost

with you
i have a mom again
joyful tears and words
where to begin

you feel my life with hope
instead of dispair
in a way i've never
seen anyone care

so thankyou for
giving me a mom again
my sincere gratitude and love
will never end

lifes little up and downs

well sometimes i like i am just going completely crazy and i dont know why. i have a genarally good life and yet there are some many thing in life that seem to still annoy me like me and everything around me and i dont know why. i should be happy because i have a wonderful boyfriend his family is awesome and give me a sense of family that i havent felt in a long time and maybe thats what is getting to me but it shouldnt it should make me happy but for some reason every thing around me litterally annoys me. so why do i feel this way i just dont know maybe i will figure it out maybe i wont but who knows maybe i am just going crazy and just dont know how to stay happy.

darkness

the darkness enters as i feel so lost
i reach for happieness
but all is lost
as the darkness enters
my unstable mind
i can't help
but wonder why
I reach for love and my faith
but i feel it begin to fade
where are you
this bliss i seek
why must you leaveme here so weak
the blood i feel is pouring downas i can nolonger
shake this frownthe light is fadingand so is life
as i reach for that bloddy knife
reached is how i feel
i no longer can deal
please forgive mefor the battle is lost
and here my lifewas the cost
please dont hate what i have done
but the darkness has finally won
i bleed internallyand now is out
i feel the need to scream and shou
tgoodbye the ones who loved me so
please dont be mad but i had to go
cause no longer can i hold.

dont be insecure

your feeling insecure
and dont know what to do
but i just want you to know
that i believe in you
you keep me safe
and take care of my needs
you are always
there for me

you say you feel like less of a man
but baby your all there
and trust me
you show me that you care

you always take care of things
even when hope is lost
you always get what we need
no matter what the cost

so dont feel insecure
and know that your the man
you got everything under control
even on demand

keep moving on

lost in the fearsfrom all of the yearsshe's been in depressionholding her aggressionso she wouldn't burstshe didn't want to cursecause she's a christian girlwho's lost in all the swirlsof life, that keeps going onso she keeps moving on to see what's on the other sideeven though her mind has driedof all the happiness and loveshe pushes through with a little shoveand on the other side....is a beautiful rainbow

use to feel this way

i can not sleep
i can not eat
for you are not
here with me
this is how i use to feel
when the pain felt so very real
but now the pain
has found a way
to slowy start to fade

cross my heart and hope to die

Cross my heart and hope to die, I always say that when I lie ...Conceiling all intions with a smileIs how I've been deceiving time.And yet he stares at me shakenTerrified at the thought of being taken;Those fraged lips are tremblingThat cursed tongue in its borrow is shaking ...All the words you never spoke,All the thoughts you always tore,All the feelings turned to dust,All the wishes turned to lust ...Everything you ever knew,All the power you ever grew,Every memory you ever had,All the dreams you dared not grab ...I have shut within my core,I have gathered in my soul,I have burried with my lies,I have shattered before my eyes ...All I am sits before your acking stare;Yet appearently all you seeIs but an empty shell of me.Ask of me to speak my mind -To release all that I hide,Ask of me to open that crimson door -To let your pleeding voice enter my core,Ask of me to gaze once more -Upon your bleeding opened soul,Ask of me to speak the truth -To heal those wounds you selfinduced ...Ask once more, without prideAsk again, until you cryAsk and I shall reply ...Cross my heart and hope to die,My love, I have always tryed to comply ...Oh, how I never tire of this lie !

the happiest sad ending

It was then, but it is now. Then and now, there's been no changes. I love her as if it was the first day I met her, the first time we talked. I was certain I was dreaming, and with her I would have asked everyone to not wake me up.From the diary of a dreamer I look out on a cold, distant world of such cold and Grey uncaring. From the diary of a dreamer I write my story in bitter ink. It is a strong formula, one made of vitrol, black dye, tears and broken feelings. The perfect ink in which to write in the diary of a dreamer. It will never fade.I remember my first friend. He was an imaginary duck named Willard. He would follow me around and quack around the blacktop as my classmates stood and stared. It was fine. I was used to it. I had my duck and, in my mind it was the most real thing to me. It was even more real then my friends and family and classmates. They lied, they put on masks, they hid, the fought. It was a meeting of those with an acute fear of themselves with others with the same disabilty. But Willard, he never lied. He never wore a mask. He never hid. He never fought. He just followed along, quacking and listening to everything I told him intently. Once in a while, when things were really bad he would attempt to hug me, his shining white feathers encircling me. I asked him to stop. I had touch atrophy. It had been so long since human contact that the slightest touch would feel wierd or out of place.And now I write a final chapter in my diary of a dreamer. For I am a dreamer. I dream only when I am awake for sleep is the only solace I have from myself. I dream of duck's, I dream of kiss from a lover, I dream of her. The saddest thing about a dream is that it ends. As do all things but dreams have significance. You can't touch a dream, feel a dream, see a dream, but you know when you've had one. And she was my dream. And just like a dream she was insubstantial so I could never touch her, she was distanced, not from me but from herself so I could not know her, and she was conflicted. And just like a dream I could not touch her, could not feel her, could not see her, but I know she was there. She was my dream, my sweet dream that lingered long after awakening.I feel no great sadness for dreams pass, that is their nature. And for the slightest moment, the slightest bit of hope entered in my life. And for that I thank her. Even though she had decieved me and herself I thank her. I want her to be happy, as she has made me happy. Would that I would wish evil or bad upon her for ending this dream. I wish her well. May the sun always be at her back, may she live the life she deserves, may she always carry an untroubled smile and may she be always rewarded for the moment of happiness she has granted this dreamer. For it was one moment of happiness. One moment of happiness for all of a man's life. Isn't that enough to last?

Imagination is My Favorite Color

My sky is painted sunrise and sunset,My grass is the greenest velvet,Of paper flowers and printed butterflies,does every word I ever write covet.My world has no light or darkness,Stars mingle with rays of a sun,Of liquid moonlight and painted rainbows,This world of thorny roses has just begun.The essence of time does not exist,In a time out of time lingers my world,Of Spring's rain and an Autumns delight,I roam free like the laughter of a little girl.But I know this is sand in a sift,I always awaken from my world that is the other,Of everything bleak in a world of balck and white,does imagination become my favorite color.

love is when

You miss him even before you part.When you could listen to him talk all night.And never get tired of hearing his voice.When the sound of his name will send chills down your spine and you see his smile the second you close your eyes.

a message written from heaven

A message from heavenwritten by jonasfan123
21:23 2/3/09
Poem Style: none
perhaps you aren't ready yet to have to say good-bye...Prehaps you've thought of things you with you've said- well so have i.For one thing ,i'd have told you not to woory about me...i'm with the lard in heaven now you knew thats where i'd be. I'm sorry that you're feeling sad, for i'm so happy now...I've asked the lard to ease the hurt and comfort you somehow.It''s hard at the beginning,but i know you;ll make it though.I hope it helps to know that i'll be waiting here for you.

silence thats not so quite

whispers in the walls
silent screams, silent calls
chills down my spine
memories flowing
as i cry

a silent whimper
in the wind
so much time left
here to spend
painful thoughts
of a lost soul
so much hurt that i hold

people calling
that i can't see
so many
un wanted deeds
cuts along my skin
the pain i remember when

the silent breathe
that no one hears
the silent screams
unwanted fears
so many things
left unseen
dear loed whats
happened to me

i feel the fright
through my viens
i feel the call
of being insane
i dont know
what this is
but i feel like
a shaken kid

a silent voice
spoken deep
i feel the shadows
as they creep
i'll see you around
in another time
but the world bids me
a good bye

the drama of billie and avery part 4

well good news it looks like were going to get the apartment so thats good maybe now the hunt for a place will be over. well they said we should know by this time tomarrow so i have a good feeling the lady seemed sure that we would get it...........well i will let you know tomarrow how everything goes so tune in to marrow for more blogs on the drama of billie and avery

oklahoma girl
billie

boredom

have you ever got so bored you just started writing and writing and couldnt stop well i am having one of those days. yeah i know some of them just seem so goofy and weird but i cant help it i am bored and i have to do something so i write. well i dont want to keep boreing you so i guess i will go. to leave with a thought why do we get bored and why when were bored we do strang thoughts like just write and write and write or dance i dont know if you have an answer for me let me know

oklahoma girl
billie

thoughts amd memories

i can remember being younger and watching my grandma dancing to bear in the big blue house it was funny and sweet the way she use to play with us kids.

another thought i can also remember watching my mom dance to music in the car as we would dance together.

i miss alot of things in my life that are never going to happen again.

why do things change why cant they ever just stay the same and why do people have to leave our lives and die?

just a thought

oklahoma girl
billie

dont give up

enlighten my body
enlighten my soul
bring reality
bring me home
take care of my heart
take care of me
help me find
and fulfil what i need

take my hand
take my heart
from my side
please dont part
hold me close
hold me tight
dont give up
on this fight

keep the hope
keep the light
know your heart
know your mine
this will work out
i promise you that
so dont give up
cause thats a fact

the drama of billie and avery part 3

well just a heads up it looks like were going to get into whispering pines so everything is starting to look good hopefull everything works out and we will have evough money for food to las the month.

tune in to more of the drama of billie and avery
oklahoma girl
billie

home depot

A man and his wife went to Home Depot to buy fertilizer for their yard. The wife went to ask there store manager where it was and left the man by the gardening tools. "how does this look for our yard, honey," the husband said holding a tool. "Dammit Steve, we just came here for fertilizer. Why are men so attracted to hoes?"

i found it

the air was once just something i just breathed in
but now it so much more then it was then
and the sun was just a sun
and now its brighter then it was
evrything hasas more beauty then it ever has
i can feel the warmth from the soul to my hands
everything use to seem so dullfrom what i can tell
but its changed so beautifully sense i fell
i use to say soulmates dont exsist
and from love i use to resist
but eversense i met you
i know that love is true
and no matter what they say
you are my soulmate in every way

now and then

a silent darkness clouded my life
and nothing in ti seemed to go right
loved ones dieing and being taken away
to the alful things i did each day
drugs and partiing seemed to be all i did
back then i was a troubled kid
but then something trumatic changed my life
that was worse then being stabbed with a knife
i lost my mom my very best friend
from the life of drugs her llife did end
i saw then how i was wassting precious time
druging and boozing away my life
and though it took awhile to see
i stopped doing the very thing that was killing me
i miss my mom all the time
it was a very important lesson she left behind
to keep on living you must be aliveand your not living by doing drugs all the time

my mom was everything she was my best friend
and for her i will keep on living till the very end

thoughts

i often think why do we do the things we do like over shop you over spend?
and why does life come att you so fast you dont even see it coming like your place cathing on fire a close relative dieing loseing a child or having to start all over all the time?

why do all these things happen?

is ie just to help us learn and grow or is there a deeper meaning behind them?

oklahoma girl
billie

memories 2

you ever have these flashing memories that pass through your mind about your childhood and it makes you wonder why things change. i do why do people grow apart and why must people die a question i often ask myself.

oklahoma girl
billie