lifes little up and downs

well sometimes i like i am just going completely crazy and i dont know why. i have a genarally good life and yet there are some many thing in life that seem to still annoy me like me and everything around me and i dont know why. i should be happy because i have a wonderful boyfriend his family is awesome and give me a sense of family that i havent felt in a long time and maybe thats what is getting to me but it shouldnt it should make me happy but for some reason every thing around me litterally annoys me. so why do i feel this way i just dont know maybe i will figure it out maybe i wont but who knows maybe i am just going crazy and just dont know how to stay happy.

darkness

the darkness enters as i feel so lost
i reach for happieness
but all is lost
as the darkness enters
my unstable mind
i can't help
but wonder why
I reach for love and my faith
but i feel it begin to fade
where are you
this bliss i seek
why must you leaveme here so weak
the blood i feel is pouring downas i can nolonger
shake this frownthe light is fadingand so is life
as i reach for that bloddy knife
reached is how i feel
i no longer can deal
please forgive mefor the battle is lost
and here my lifewas the cost
please dont hate what i have done
but the darkness has finally won
i bleed internallyand now is out
i feel the need to scream and shou
tgoodbye the ones who loved me so
please dont be mad but i had to go
cause no longer can i hold.

dont be insecure

your feeling insecure
and dont know what to do
but i just want you to know
that i believe in you
you keep me safe
and take care of my needs
you are always
there for me

you say you feel like less of a man
but baby your all there
and trust me
you show me that you care

you always take care of things
even when hope is lost
you always get what we need
no matter what the cost

so dont feel insecure
and know that your the man
you got everything under control
even on demand

keep moving on

lost in the fearsfrom all of the yearsshe's been in depressionholding her aggressionso she wouldn't burstshe didn't want to cursecause she's a christian girlwho's lost in all the swirlsof life, that keeps going onso she keeps moving on to see what's on the other sideeven though her mind has driedof all the happiness and loveshe pushes through with a little shoveand on the other side....is a beautiful rainbow

use to feel this way

i can not sleep
i can not eat
for you are not
here with me
this is how i use to feel
when the pain felt so very real
but now the pain
has found a way
to slowy start to fade

cross my heart and hope to die

Cross my heart and hope to die, I always say that when I lie ...Conceiling all intions with a smileIs how I've been deceiving time.And yet he stares at me shakenTerrified at the thought of being taken;Those fraged lips are tremblingThat cursed tongue in its borrow is shaking ...All the words you never spoke,All the thoughts you always tore,All the feelings turned to dust,All the wishes turned to lust ...Everything you ever knew,All the power you ever grew,Every memory you ever had,All the dreams you dared not grab ...I have shut within my core,I have gathered in my soul,I have burried with my lies,I have shattered before my eyes ...All I am sits before your acking stare;Yet appearently all you seeIs but an empty shell of me.Ask of me to speak my mind -To release all that I hide,Ask of me to open that crimson door -To let your pleeding voice enter my core,Ask of me to gaze once more -Upon your bleeding opened soul,Ask of me to speak the truth -To heal those wounds you selfinduced ...Ask once more, without prideAsk again, until you cryAsk and I shall reply ...Cross my heart and hope to die,My love, I have always tryed to comply ...Oh, how I never tire of this lie !

the happiest sad ending

It was then, but it is now. Then and now, there's been no changes. I love her as if it was the first day I met her, the first time we talked. I was certain I was dreaming, and with her I would have asked everyone to not wake me up.From the diary of a dreamer I look out on a cold, distant world of such cold and Grey uncaring. From the diary of a dreamer I write my story in bitter ink. It is a strong formula, one made of vitrol, black dye, tears and broken feelings. The perfect ink in which to write in the diary of a dreamer. It will never fade.I remember my first friend. He was an imaginary duck named Willard. He would follow me around and quack around the blacktop as my classmates stood and stared. It was fine. I was used to it. I had my duck and, in my mind it was the most real thing to me. It was even more real then my friends and family and classmates. They lied, they put on masks, they hid, the fought. It was a meeting of those with an acute fear of themselves with others with the same disabilty. But Willard, he never lied. He never wore a mask. He never hid. He never fought. He just followed along, quacking and listening to everything I told him intently. Once in a while, when things were really bad he would attempt to hug me, his shining white feathers encircling me. I asked him to stop. I had touch atrophy. It had been so long since human contact that the slightest touch would feel wierd or out of place.And now I write a final chapter in my diary of a dreamer. For I am a dreamer. I dream only when I am awake for sleep is the only solace I have from myself. I dream of duck's, I dream of kiss from a lover, I dream of her. The saddest thing about a dream is that it ends. As do all things but dreams have significance. You can't touch a dream, feel a dream, see a dream, but you know when you've had one. And she was my dream. And just like a dream she was insubstantial so I could never touch her, she was distanced, not from me but from herself so I could not know her, and she was conflicted. And just like a dream I could not touch her, could not feel her, could not see her, but I know she was there. She was my dream, my sweet dream that lingered long after awakening.I feel no great sadness for dreams pass, that is their nature. And for the slightest moment, the slightest bit of hope entered in my life. And for that I thank her. Even though she had decieved me and herself I thank her. I want her to be happy, as she has made me happy. Would that I would wish evil or bad upon her for ending this dream. I wish her well. May the sun always be at her back, may she live the life she deserves, may she always carry an untroubled smile and may she be always rewarded for the moment of happiness she has granted this dreamer. For it was one moment of happiness. One moment of happiness for all of a man's life. Isn't that enough to last?